The Best & Worst (mostly worst) News of 2013 According to Duh Progressive
Hey, I hear North Dakota is a pretty free and prosperous state liberals can invade and totally fuck up in a matter of a couple generations!
This article was a hit, if not for its headline image alone. For some reason a photoshoped pic of a groundhog that's blown its brains out just gets to people.
What is not funny about a transexual woman-turned-man producing "his" own line of pasta sauce called "Testosteroni"? Apparently a lot, as this article was a complete flop. Ya' never know, ya' know? What you think will be a hit flops, and what you think will just perform decently blows up. Satire: it's a total crapshoot!
That's one rammed Rand!
Because if you're going to be deported, should't you at least be deported with that "special someone"?
The "Ban Man" strikes again! Thank God we won't have to deal with this asshole in 2014. Or maybe we should be careful what we wish for, given his replacement.
After all, promises are promises. Right, Mr. Prez?
As if we couldn't have guessed!!!
We have no problem admitting that we do re-runs. Some articles are yanked from retirement during a slow news cycle or because they were hits...and always to massage the ego of their writer(s).
What I shame! What a blow to the hub of American tranquility!
Duh Progressive is a magnet for the most astute, insightful comments by readers who, umm, rode the "short bus" to school. A viewer to this piece made the profound remark of "obviously photoshopped". Maybe he was making a joke himself. If not, God help in, and America!
The “Faux Pas of July”: Sometimes you write an article with only modest expectations. This was one of them. But “modest” it was not. This article about a “hot mic'' catching President Obama muttering “I can’t believe I have to miss a good day of golf for this crap” on the Fourth of July was launched around 7 PM on July 4th. By 7:00 AM the next day over 45,000 people had read it. The site repeatedly crashed due to the traffic Obama’s “Faux Pas of July” received, prompting conspiracy theories that Duh Progressive was taken down deliberately by the government. In truth, the site was just overloaded, not taken down by the feds. The “Faux Pas of July” ended up being the biggest article we have ever had to date, garnishing hundreds of thousands of new readers and Duh Progressive over a million hits in the month of July alone. Most who read the headline and opening paragraphs believed it, helping it go viral and mentioned on such sites as Red State, MSN, Snopes, Free Republic, and many others. People believed it initially because they believe we have a president in office currently who would actually say something this ignorant. …AND WE DO!
Not the most original idea, admittedly. But we simply could not have lived with ourselves if we had let this article go unwritten.
Das ist verboten, Mr. Wytes and Ms. Onley! (hey, with the Zimmerman trial going on, this article seemed timely to bring back from the dead)
Hey, any time we can stick it to the anti-smoking, control freak Nazis, WE WILL!
"Finger off the detonator, Achmed! Now!... Good. Now remember your 'happy baby' pose. Nameste!"
Ahh, technical upgrades and building. We'd rather sniff Nancy Pelosi's underwear for a whole week than deal with this techy crap for five minutes. Such is life in the blogosphere.
Millions of Americans' personal health and financial information being "secured" by a joint Nigerian–Russian own cyber securtity company? Gee, what could go wrong here?
No wonder he didn't know anything about the IRS, NSA, AP, Secret Service & Obamacare scandals —Oblunder didn't ever know he was President, for God's sake! Poor guy!
Touching: Nothing makes an unpopular man feel better than having his children tell him, "Everyone thinks you're an asshole dad, but we love you."
We have been foaming so long to tackle this issue. Every human f**king dilemma is now blamed on bullying! Has it ever occurred to people, particularly parents of bullied kids, that little Johnny wouldn't be bullied if he wasn't a total creep and/or an enormous puss?! Not really. No parent wants to admit their child is a weirdo or big pu**y. Therefore we have taken the liberty of admitting it here for them. There, now where's our "Thank you"?
Nothing says “sexy” more than a 73-year-old empty suit who only cares about one thing: power, and screwing over his opponents, even if that means banishing over 200 years of procedural tradition just for immediate gain. Ahhh…if only piranha could fly!
Duh Progressive would like to again thank our readers for their loyalty and appreciation of our mission to calm nerves and bring a snarky perception of the idiocy in America today. One who reads many of the comments by our readers may think they all believe these articles are real. But for every one of those who believe the articles are true, there are ten others who know they’re satire, appreciate what we’re doing and love how we do it. And we thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. Hell, we even thank those who believe them!
It’s also time we thank our staff of highly skilled journalists and freelancers, beginning with Jack Lakeman, our Editor-in-Chief, Michael Madshack, our Assistant Editor, Senior Managing Editor D’Leereeus Johnson, reporters Joel Legnutt, Diana Jameson, Hamilton-Tucker-Chase-Taylor-Sevenlocks III, Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female, Samsung Galaxy, and of course Ledge Slater, our perpetual intern and stud.
We also thank Town Hall columnist and Clash Daily producer Doug Giles, for accepting and posting our articles on Clash. We thank (real) reporter Graham Ledger of the One America News Network’s Daily Ledger show for allowing “us” (Nick Taxia) to appear on his show (even if it is under the threat of death sometimes). And of course, last but HARDLY least, Michael DeSantis, our original tech guru, who got this who thing started in 2008 when this site was supposed to be just a goofy hobby. It was no longer a hobby by the end of 2010.
The year 2013 was one many wish to forget, but not for us. We wish to forget NO YEAR that has Duh Progressive up and people reading our material and helping to ease the tension in a country that is seemingly losing its collective mind day by day. We thank you all so much and look forward to an even more prosperous 2014! Thank you and God bless!!