by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor,
Saturday, March 22nd, 2014,
(ANCHORAGE, AK) —Emergency 9-1-1 call, March 19th, 8:09 AM, Anchorage time: “Hello! Yes, is this the White House…? The White House of the President of the United States…? Oh, thank God! Listen, there are Russian planes and tanks and troops in our town! Russian soldiers are marching down my street! I hear shooting, I hear screaming! I think it’s a (expletive) invasion! …No, I don't know anything about the (expletive) missing plane! You all have to send troops here fast and do something about thi….wait… Wait! They’re on my porch! Russians soldiers are banging on my door! …Oh my God! No! …(inaudible yelling, banging)… Get out of my house! Get the (expletive) out! Leave us alone! …Wait, no, please, nooooooo (gunshots heard in background, loud thud, men chatter in Russian, then call abruptly ends)!”
And so also ends another Alaskan resident by the name of Daniel Erikson, one of tens of thousands who managed to place frantic phone calls of bewilderment and panic to 9-1-1 operators, the Pentagon and the White House itself as Russian President Vladimir Putin completed his “repatriation” of Alaska to Mother Russia Saturday morning.
In a scene that could have been straight out of “Red Dawn”, almost 100,000 obscenely armed Russian paratroopers, soldiers, planes, tanks, humvees, helicopters, ships and submarines began surrounding and invading Alaska early Wednesday morning, while most Americans made their way to work, school, pick up more food stamps, or nowhere at all.
Tensions have been growing between Russia and the West ever since Vladimir Putin’s forces stormed into Ukraine’s Crimean Peninsula early this month, proclaiming it was to again be part of Russia. Undoubtedly Russia’s annexation of Alaska will be seen as yet another land grab by Vladimir Putin in an attempt to resurrect the Russian empire.
Putin, 61, had declared to the U.S. and the world on Monday that he was going invade and repatriate America’s 49th state as part of his overall plans to piece together what he calls “historical Russia”. “I swear, I mean it, I’m going to invade Alaska! We’re going to launch the invasion Wednesday morning,” Putin declared before the Duma, Russia’s parliament, which overwhelmingly supported the measure. “I’m going to take back what (Russia) foolishly sold to America in 1867. Alaska was part of Russia once, and by Sunday we shall finish making it part of Mother Russia again!”
But Putin’s declaration fell on deaf ears and his promised invasion of America’s 49th state went completely ignored, as the entire rest of the United States, its citizens, politicians, armed forces and senior military commanders remained indissolubly fixated on the mystery and search for Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, which vanished on March 8th.
Oblivious to the violent invasion of a vast swath of sovereign U.S. land, terrified calls like the one from Daniel Erikson went completely disregarded as Russian forces began their assault on Alaska around 6:00 AM Wednesday. Reports from Alaska claim that local police, members of the Alaskan National Guard and other U.S. military personnel cognizant enough to turn their attention to anything other than the missing Malaysian airliner did their best to fight off the invaders, but were easily subdued by Russia’s superior forces.
Normally the Pentagon would have ordered a full scale counter–assault to retake the oil and mineral rich Alaska, but with the search and mystery of Malaysian Airlines’ Flight 370 (MH370) intensifying, top Pentagon officials say there is little they are willing to do. “Invasion? Alaska? Russians invading Alaska...? I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with the missing Malaysian plane?” said Pentagon Press Secretary George Little when asked by a reporter from the BBC about the current annexation of Alaska during a press conference Friday.
The British Broadcasting Corporation is one of the only international news organizations covering the “Crisis in Alaska” as they are calling it. Most other news outfits are too busy covering the head scratching search for MH370, without one mention of the retake of Alaska by Russia being made on any national U.S. news outlets. However local news stations in Alaska were frantically covering its annexation and pleading to everyone, from NATO, to the EU, to the United States Army to come rescue them from their brutal take-over and subjugation, beginning at the outset of the invasion and finally stopping only after newly occupying Russian forces shut down all Alaska’s television transmissions and cell phone towers Friday afternoon. One last report came from Fairbanks’ KFXF, during which local reporter Jason Gill was filming Russian armored personnel carriers rolling down Rt. 2 (Richardson Highway). Gill tried to interview an approaching group of six Russian soldiers but instead had his camera and equipment seized and he and his cameraman beaten ruthlessly by the soldiers before they walked away, laughing. As usual, Duh Progressive and its crack reporters remain the last functioning news holdout in Alaska, reporting on the unreported; hence why you are reading of this.
Alaska is known for rugged terrain and rugged individualism, with nearly 58% of its population owning guns. However, expecting fierce civilian resistance, Colonel Sergi Kamoroff, commander of what will now be the “Ankoragesky District” of the new Russian appendage observed something very strange. Said Col. Kameroff, Friday, “We have encountered little resistance from the civilian population. We were expecting every American here to come out with their guns blasting, but generally they have not. It’s a relief, but very odd.”
The reason most residents have not taken to the streets in protest or armed resistance is not because they are afraid of rampaging Russian troops, but instead are themselves too wrapped up in news coverage of Flight 370 to care very much that they have been invaded by a foreign power, with some Alaskans not even noticing they have been invaded at all.
“I was watching coverage of the missing plane on TV and then these guys in army fatigues and ski masks kicked down my door and stormed through my house,” said Edward de Amato, a an air conditioning and heating unit repairman to Duh Progressive, Friday. “Kind of scared me at first, the noise and their shouting. They raided my refrigerator, took all my beer, chips, beans, kicked our furniture around.”
Added the 37-year-old native of the city of Valdez, holding a blood-soaked rag to his left temple, “But I just stayed on my couch watchin’ that Wolf guy on CNN talk about the plane. When I tried askin’ the ‘army dudes’ what they thought happened to the missing plane they carried my wife away with them, screaming, and clocked me upside the head. Then they left. I guess they didn’t want to talk about it; probably just as upset about Flight 370 as the rest of us.”
With no wife around now to hear him wax theoretical about the missing plane, de Amato said he’s tried calling friends and co-workers to talk about it, but, “I tried calling my buddy from high school, but the phones won’t work,” said de Amato. “Tried going over to talk to my neighbor, but there was a great big old hole going straight through her house with weird track marks on the ground. Can’t find her, either. …Guess the aliens took her just like they did that plane!”
Complained an unidentified Russian tank commander from the top of his T-90, Thursday night, “I’ve been in the army 12 years and I’ve never seen anything like this. Today we had the local sheriff and a
few Alaskan state police officers block us on a neighborhood street and shoot at us while we were taking over this Kodiak Island. My tank fired a round at them but missed and blew off half of the house behind them. After we had ‘neutralized’ the police the people from the destroyed house walked out, walked up to us and calmly said, ‘So, what you think is missing on that Malaysian pilot’s home flight simulator? You think they landed it somewhere secret, or was it pilot suicide?’ …I was frozen! I didn’t know what to do or say. I couldn’t believe it, so I just got back in my tank and we kept moving on.”
Finally addressing the Alaska’s annexation on the third day of Russia’s invasion, the White House addressed the crisis to reporters Friday, calming fears and assuring the nation that the issue will be resolved soon. “We are monitoring this situation in Alaska. We understand between news stories about the missing Malaysian plane that thousands of Russian troops are overrunning Alaska, and we are very concerned,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters at his daily briefing. “We are working on a plan to get the Russians out of Alaska as soon as possible. Why they went into Alaska we don’t know, because all projections indicate there was no way Malaysian Flight 370 could have made it to Alaska, so we have no idea why the Russians are searching for it there. But we’re sure the families of the passengers on MH370 are touched by Russia’s gesture and are very appreciative, nonetheless.”