by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011,
(Jersey Shore, NJ) —As the East Coast recovers from the moderate wrath of Hurricane Irene the nation is finding itself in profound mourning, as it is becoming increasingly apparent the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore did indeed survive the storm’s rage.
Irene’s 36-hour lashing of the East Coast left 45 people dead and billions of dollars in damage, but as residents from North Carolina to Maine sift through the wreckage left in Irene’s wake, perhaps nothing is more devastating than the news that Pauly D, Snooki, the Situation, JWoww, and the rest of the genetic and sociological disaster that is the cast of MTV’s top reality TV series are indeed alive.
Latest reports place the cast at the vicinity of Los Angeles, California, throughout Saturday night and Sunday, having attended the MTV Video Music Awards, and thereby thousands of miles away from what could have been their churning, violent, watery demise; an eluded fate quite distressing to regular Americans like Gene DePaula of Philadelphia, PA. “With as bad as the news and all were depicting this storm, I thought that there could be at least a chance it might take out those trashy dagos from that show,” said the 39-year-old bank manager. DePaula said she and others, particularly Italian Americans, could not be more pleased than to have the cast of MTV’s hottest show flounder about in the depths of the Atlantic. “But unfortunately that doesn’t seem like the case,” added an admittedly demoralized DePaula to Duh Progressive Monday. “I guess we’ll just keep having to hope for a Four Loko or steroid overdoses to get the job done.”
As late as Monday morning reports were emerging of sightings of the eight Jersey Shore cast members boarding a plane in Los Angeles, further confirming that the oafish gaggle had survived Hurricane Irene. However residents of New Jersey and the rest of the U.S. were given sparks of hope throughout the weekend-long ordeal, after a drowning was reported in Long Beach, NJ, but was later discovered to be false, dashing any hope it may have been a Jersey Shore cast member.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie took to the airwaves Monday morning, confirming that none of the 45 bodies recovered along the East Coast so far, let alone New Jersey, were stars of the Jersey Shore. “Let me remind folks that 45 deaths among the 65 million people living along the East Coast leaves only a .00003 percent chance even one Jersey Shore cast member has perished in this hurricane,” the governor said on ABC’s Good Morning America, “which means there’s still hope.”
The governor added that a festering oil slick spotted off Monmouth Beach Monday morning was first believed to be the remains of Pauly D, but upon inspection by the U.S. Coast Guard was confirmed to be just that –a festering oil slick of unknown origin.
Greaseballs’ Survival Causes Storm In Presidential Politics
As early as last week, when Irene’s path had been firmly established, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) had discussed establishing federally-run grief counseling hotlines and “roaming support” teams to comfort and assist residents trapped in the aftermath of a Jersey Shore survival. FEMA director W. Craig Fugate said however recent federal budget “conflicts” and a renewed concern for allocation of resources made such an outreach unattainable.
Such intent by the federal government is something Hurricane Irene could not wash away among Republican presidential candidates. Said GOP candidate John Huntsman Monday to Duh Progressive, “If there’s one thing an outfit like FEMA should do, it's to aid people in times like these, when the Jersey Shore cast is all but confirmed to be alive. Makes one wonder what FEMA was even created for in the first place…The Obama administration has dropped the ball again.”
Added Huntsman, “There are people out there who have lost everything –in the Outer Banks, Ocean City, Long Island… And to not send someone to help these people deal with knowing these eight boorish WOPs are definitely alive and well –when they have nothing– is beyond insensitive. It’s a dereliction of duty.”
Although fellow candidate and Texas Congressman Ron Paul held firmly to his strict constitutionalist guns Monday, contending that helping people grapple with the MTV stars’ escape from destruction is not the job of the federal government. “Read the Constitution and the Articles of Confederation,” demanded Paul on Fox News Sunday, “they make it perfectly clear: it is strictly the job of state and local governments to counsel people when their homes are lost, or their loved ones are killed, while the cast of Jersey Shore haven’t endured a scratch. As tough as that may be for people to bear, it’s still not the job of the federal government to help them bear it.”
Meanwhile Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann came under fire for suggesting events like Hurricane Irene and the earthquake earlier in the week were “signs from God.” "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians,” said the Tea Party darling at a rally in Sarasota, FL, on Sunday. “We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. (God) said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'"
However since learning that not one –not ONE– of the cast members of Jersey Shore had been crushed, drowned, electrocuted, or had perished in any other way as a result of Hurricane Irene, the conservative firebrand retracted her “sign of God” statement, and then shocked supporters by retracting a whole lot more: “I no longer believe disasters like hurricanes or earthquakes are signs from God,” Bachmann told reporters in Miami on Monday. “I no longer believe natural disasters are signs from God…because I no longer believe there is a God. There can’t be! Not with all those sleazy goombahs from Jersey Shore still being alive.”
“That (expletive) hurricane was headed right towards them! They had a bull’s-eye right all over them. And they still all live? Even Vinny, that worthless spaghetti-head?!” continued Bachmann, breaking down in tears. “There is no hope for us. There is no justice; there is no God. Nietzsche was right. All my convictions are bullshit! …Why am I even running anymore? Nothing is worth anything anymore.”