Aries
March 21 - April 19
With more and more cities banning plastic grocery store bags because of the "dangers they pose to dolphins," your status as a suicidal bottlenose dolphin will become a lot more frustrating. |
Your dream of being hired as a top official by the Obama campaign will be realized after your random e-mail submission of the slogan: "Penis Envy: We Got It!"
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You will spend the entire summer trying to insert a Jerry Sandusky/Penn State joke into every conversation you have until someone finally has your face meet an 11-pound cast iron frying pan traveling at 20 miles an hour.
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Much like Gemini, you will spend the entire summer trying to insert a joke about Mitt Romney's 1953 "bullying incident" until your face meets with an 11-pound cast iron frying fan traveling at 20 MPH! |
Being at your first "bath salts" party in Miami will be uncomfortable enough... Having a face made out of beef jerky won't help put you at ease, either. |
Virgo
August 23 - Sept 22
The warm weather is bringing back memories of your time with the Occupy Wall Street movement last year, isn't it? Fret not, those glory days may be gone, but the lice, scabies, and Hepatitis C are yours forever! |
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Your 16-year-old daughter is pregnant, dating three convicted felons at once, expelled from school for snorting cocaine, and has come home with her 4th neck tattoo. Sure, it may seem too late for a condom...that is of course unless you can stretch one over her face and smother her to death with it (just sayin'...) |
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Currently reading faux horoscopes on "Duh Progressive" are you..? Well, you know you didn't do that by yourself..? Somebody else made that happen...
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Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
And No, we did NOT write these faux horoscopes by ourselves —some other thinly masked neo-communist, Control Freak, elitist asshole in the White House made this happen (why blame us...?!)
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Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
No, Capricorn, nothing interesting or important for you this month (just remember to wait until after the election to decide whether you'll be checking "Yes" on your organ donor portion of your license).
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Your desire to legally obtain a drivers' license will be quickly squashed upon the re-realization that you are Hispanic... (Eric Holder forgives thee)
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What the hell are you doing with a drivers' license anyway? —you're Asian!
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