by Vick Victor, official DP Hollywood liaison
(LOS ANGELES) —Talk about being “one against the wind.” In an interview to Britain’s tabloid newspaper, The Sun, actress-model Salma Hayek has again confirmed herself as being the only recorded human being on Planet Earth who is distraught over having to do nude scenes in her movies, according to the Mexican bombshell last week.
“In 'Desperado' (1992), I had great difficulty doing the love scene with Antonio Banderas. I actually cried,” Hayek told The Sun last Monday. “I didn't want to be naked in front of a camera and kept on thinking, 'What will my mother and father think about this?'”
Such grievances over appearing on film nude are not new for Hayek. But also not new are the results of a CNN/Gallup poll conducted shortly after Hayek’s statement, confirming again that Hayek, and only Hayek, is the only person on Earth upset over being naked on film.
“I was never happy over my baby being nude in front of millions,” said Sami Hayek Dominguez, Hayek’s father, Monday. “But once I saw (Desperado), and that sex scene I was like, ‘Daaaaaaaaaaamn!’”
With not even Hayek’s parents objecting to their daughter having shown off her wares, the now decade’s long search for someone —anyone; be they man, woman, hermaphrodite, child, gay, straight, or even in a coma— who objects to seeing Salma Hayek naked, continues.
“The search for someone who has a problem with seeing Salma Hayek naked has been like the search for Bigfoot,” said Father William O’Donnell, a Franciscan priest and professor at Catholic University in Washington D.C. O’Donnell, who teaches courses dealing with depictions of religion and morality on film, said that in his 18 years as a professor, never has he run across a student or fellow priest or faculty member who has shunned the “Desperado’s” famous sex scene between Hayek and Antonio Banderas.
“Every day I walk into the classroom to teach about how morality and religion is mocked on film,” said O’Donnell, “and every day each class ends the same –with all of us watching the sex scene in ‘Desperado’ over, and over, and over, and over…for 90 minutes, four times a day…you know, so the kids learn how to recognize depravity on film when they see it.”
Added O’Donnell to Duh Progressive, “In fact, you’ll have to excuse me, but I need to remind myself how sick and crass American cinema has become again. I’m off to watch ‘Desperado,’ all five minutes of it.”
by Michael Madshack, Assistant DP Editor
October 2, 2012,
(OAK BROKE, ILL) —The moment so many McDonald’s fast food lovers have been waiting for has arrived, possibly revolutionizing the fast food industry as we know it, and all courtesy of First Lady Michelle Obama and other national health advocates.
Responding to growing demands from Mrs. Obama, et al, that McDonald’s add healthier items to their menu, the fast food giant announced Tuesday it will be replacing its famous “Big Mac” with the world’s first “1 Calorie Cheeseburger,” aimed for its more diet-conscious customers.
The “McOne Cal,” as the burger will be called, sports the exact same ingredients, smell, and taste of McDonald’s to-be-former Big Mac and other cheeseburgers. But like with so many “healthier” items fast food franchises are hurriedly replacing their menus with, there’s a catch: the “McOne Cal” cheeseburger will be only 0.4 inches in size, or approximately 1.016 millimeters in diameter.
“We’re very proud of our new ‘McOne Cal’ and guarantee it will meet the needs of our more health-driven customers,” stated McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson, Tuesday. Thompson said that the pea-sized cheeseburger will debut on McDonald’s menus next month, undoubtedly filling the needs of those who want that “authentic McDonald’s taste and experience,” yet will not have to worry about their weight or cholesterol.
The “McOne Cal,” weighing in between .09 —.11 grams, is already being hailed by U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as a bold step by the fast food industry to provide Americans with the nutrition they need and the “fast food experience” they desire. First Lady Michelle Obama was quoted by the AP Tuesday, saying she was thrilled that McDonald’s “was finally taking heed to the demands of fast food-goers” in offering the leanest cheeseburger to date.
Further thrilling the requests of Obama, Sebillius, and national health advocates, the McOne Cal, if ordered as a “meal” will instead of fries, come with one (a single) sesame seed, and for a drink a 2-ounce paper cup containing an ice cube (yes, one ice cube). In total, a McOne Cal meal will carry all of 1.001 calories, .0008 grams of sodium, .000076 grams of fat, and .00045 grams of cholesterol, making it the undisputed champion of healthy fast food meals in the world, served to health-starved customers in bags about the size of a golf ball, and all at a cost of only $.05, or $.10 with the sesame seed and ice cube included –finally, a fast food meal that is healthier and cheaper than ever, and which meets the dema…requests of health food advocates like the First Lady.
Many McDonald’s patrons on the other hand are expressing frustration at the replacement of the Big Mac with the McOne Cal (or “McOne-Point-Zero-Zero-One-Cal” if ordered as a meal), claiming the “McOne Cal” is not exactly filling as a meal, and will consequently force them to purchase as many as 100-plus “McOne Cals” to make up for the regular Big Mac burgers they are used to. Said Helen Schuster, a regular lunch hour customer of McDonald’s in Fulton, Missouri, “So what am I supposed to order now in place of my regular Happy Meal -140 ‘McOne Cal’ meals? That’s ridiculous! And then what, open 140 golf-ball sized bags of pea-sized burgers, and hold them with what? –I can’t even hold them between my fingers! Or will (McDonald’s) provide tweezers?”
Conceding the fact that around 140 McOne Cals will equal one what used to be McDonald’s regular Big Mac, McDonald’s spokesperson for the U.S., James Johannesen, said yesterday that customers who order at least fifty $.05 McOne Cal cheeseburgers will receive them in one bag the size of a grapefruit, along with a spoon with which to eat them. But added Johannesen, the Affordable Health Care Act of 2010 demands an extra tax of 15% be added to any order of more than 10 McOne Cals , and a 20% tax for more than 18 McOne Cal meals, resulting in a regular cheeseburger amount of McOne Cals costing 21-percent more, if customers so desire. In essence, customers ordering McOne Cals equivalent to the amount of a regular McD’s Big Mac will be paying 150% more for them, plus the fact that ordering more than twenty McOne Cal meals will be not come with one sesame seed, but a French fry (yes, one French fry).
But that is exactly what is needed in these times of increasing national obesity, according the Department of Health and Human Services, Tuesday. Stated the HHS in a press release, “Those (McDonald’s) patrons who care about their fat and calorie intake are encouraged to buy one to perhaps eight of the pending ‘McOne Cals,’ but those who choose to purchase more should be aware of the economic and health consequences of eating an ‘unhealthy’ amount of what (McDonald’s) has to offer.”
Minus what caloric or economic impact buying one, two, or two-hundred McOne Cals may have, there are those still adamantly opposed to McDonald’s “McOne Cal” burger —and they’re not even McDonald’s fans. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg reacted to the unveiling of McDonald’s 1.016-millimeter-sized cheeseburger virulently Tuesday, declaring it “not enough” in light of the “dismal health statistics of Americans, particularly minorities.” Stated Bloomberg to Duh Progressive, “After all we have done to make sure our citizens are told what to eat, instead of deciding for themselves, McDonald’s comes out with this facade? This is nothing more than a way to impede the health of poor communities by forcing them to pay 10-times more for the same heart-clogging meals they paid only three-dollars for before.”
Bloomberg added that he would press the New York City Council to mandate all McDonald’s in the city not offer the one-calorie/.09 gram cheeseburgers for 5-cents; demanding instead the fast food giant discard all their other burger options in place of a better ½-calorie/.05 gram cheeseburger, costing a whole dollar a piece, and force all New Yorkers to eat at least 50 of them a day.
“A ‘pea-sized’ cheeseburger for five cents..? That’s just too big of a serving!” Bloomberg said to Duh Progressive reporters Tuesday. “What New Yorkers need is a grain-sized burger, no more than two millimeters in size, for two dollars, and not be able to order more than fifty at a time. It would improve the health of our residents, as well as soak indigents even more for items they can’t resist at prices they can’t afford, further straddling them to poverty and the comfort of state subsidies…That’s the only way to make sure our people remain healthy, like in Sudan.”
Friday, May 25th, 2012,
(WASHINGTON) —District of Columbia Metro riders were left frozen in bewilderment Thursday morning after an escalator (yes, a single escalator) began inexplicably functioning at the Chinatown-Gallery Place metro exit along the capital’s Green, Yellow, and Red lines.
Metro riders, used to the public transit system’s escalators doing anything but escalating them, stood in trance-like confusion around the grooved metal steps as they rotated upward, seemingly by themselves, with no visible human operating them. Hundreds of people eventually gathered around the rotating steps, some taking pictures and i-Phone videos.
By the time District commuters mustered the understanding and courage to step on the working escalator, over an hour in crucial mid-morning backup had accrued.
“I’m still shaking. Nobody knew what to do,” said Ayalla Mahmoudi, a 30-year-old systems analyst on her way to Bethesda, Maryland from Alexandria. “The steps were moving by themselves! They just kept appearing and appearing, coming out of the ground, like from nowhere. It was, like, so freaky!”
Mahmoudi was one of the first “wave” of a dozen or so commuters who realized they were supposed to step on to the metallic steps and be elevated to the above platform automatically, rather than walk up the steps manually, as D.C. metro riders have been accustomed to doing ever since the capital’s Metro system went into operation in 1976.
According to Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority’s General Manager Richard Sarles, Metro regrets the incident and any inconvenience or panic it may have caused commuters. “People stepping on our escalators and actually riding them up to other floors is something Metro deeply regrets,” stated Sarles in a press release Friday. “We apologize for any confusion or fear this may have caused Metro riders, and we promise Metro will be disabling the functioning escalator in question, and that commuters will again be walking up all of our escalators as usual.”
Duh Progressive is pleased to be the possessor of the only known list of this summer’s *rejected* Olympic games. Thanks to our secret source inside the International Olympic Committee, Duh Progressive was able to get its hands on the list of possible sports that, although may be very popular in some countries, did not have enough international appeal to make the cut and be among the competition in London this summer. Although dozens of games were rejected, we can only present the top 10 rejected sports. And so, here they are:
1.) Synchronized Water Boarding
2.) Bobbing for Burqas
3.) Farm Animal Flirtation and Love Making Contest (because you may as well just invent a sport only Greece is allowed to play)
4.) Baby Kitten Shot Put
5.) Pin the Birth Certificate on the President (look out, he can be a slippery one!)
6.) All-Muslim Air Show Competition (you probably don't want to see the photos of how those end up)
7.) 40th Anniversary Munich Massacre Re-enactment Event (Iran and Egypt's idea, almost got passed by I.O.C.)
8.) International STD Transmission Relay (whichever country's athletes leave the Olympics with the most amount of new sexually transmitted diseases wins… i.e. someone from Baltimore. USA! USA!)
9.) U.S. Border Patrol Agent Target Competition (courtesy of Eric Holder)
10.) World War III
(SANFORD, CA) —For many couples in the U.S. who may have troubled sex lives, a new study released today from the University of Stanford shows surprising results and possibly brighter futures for those with issues in the bedroom.
Sociology students from Stanford studying married and cohabiting couples over a six month period found that couples who hoist an enormous “STOP” sign in bed and plant it between themselves stand a significantly greater chance of receiving less sex, and less satisfying sex, than those who do not carry and/or hold a big road-sized STOP sign in bed.
“I would classify our findings as stunning, to say the least,” said Dr. Kildor Klinenhoff, the lead researcher for Stanford’s Department of Sociology. Dr. Klinenhoff and his student assistance monitored over 200 couples from October of last year, at a cost of $3,289,040, mostly paid by federal grants. Couples who got into bed with a road-sized STOP sign between them were 91% less likely to attempt to engage in sexual intercourse, or to perform it effectively, where as couples with no STOP signs in bed were forced to rely on more complex issues to prevent them from having sex, such as financial problems, personality conflicts, screaming children, and fidelity issues. However in the end, according to Klinenhoff, an enormous STOP sign was always a major detriment to couples’ sex lives.
Celeste and Lu Park, participants in the study, said that their sex lives have improved dramatically after researchers had them remove their STOP sign from the middle of their bed. “Lu and I kept trying to make love each morning, but this STOP sign kept getting in the way. It was really beginning to put a strain on our marriage,” said Mrs. Park. “Now Lu and I can get as close as we want in bed without some huge, sharp hunk of metal that says “STOP” coming between us. We’re so grateful.”
Couples already have enough worries in life, according to Dr. Klinenhoff, without the intrusion of STOP signs in their physical relationships. “It’s time to say ‘stop’ to STOP signs in bed. That’s incontrovertible,” Klinenhoff said. “Hopefully as news of our study spreads, millions of couples will start leaving their STOP signs in the bathtubs where they belong and will find their physical intimacy improving.”
P.S. Dear Onion,