"Now this is bullshit I can believe in."

- George Will

"Dear Burglar(s): All You Had To Do Was Just Ask For Our 3-Piece Bamboo Steamer Kit"

altTo the person or persons who broke into my house the other night, if you are reading this, let me just say: all you had to do was ask for our 3-piece bamboo steamer kit.

Here’s what happened for the rest of you:  My wife’s birthday was last Wednesday, and one of the things she (and me, too) always wanted was a new bamboo steamer from Whole Foods supermarket, an excellent way to cook healthier while bringing some cultural diversity to your home.  We went to bed with the steamer still on the kitchen counter in the box it came in.  And that night, we were robbed.

I woke up in the night to the sound of someone tinkering with the lock to the sliding glass door in the kitchen. I knew it was someone trying to break in! I quietly woke my wife and told her to call the police

while I went down to investigate. I was terrified!  I couldn’t believe I was suddenly thrust into a situation where I might have to fight against an intruder (with vulgarity, no less)!

ImageAs I made my way down the hall the noise got louder and I heard the sliding glass door open.  After a moment of sheer terror, in the darkness, I yelled for them to get out, and they scuttled and ran out the door (which they had jimmied open).  We were all okay, but guess what was missing…

The cops say the burglar(s) probably got scared and grabbed the nearest thing they could before taking off, i.e. they had no idea what they were stealing. But I have a different theory.

I know it is difficult for the poor and underprivileged to obtain healthier eating opportunities. This is one of the great disparities in this country the media rarely concentrates on, but it is true. Obviously this burglar wanted better quality food for his/her family, but could not afford a 3-piece bamboo steamer from Whole Foods.  They were simply doing what any normal person who is concerned about their children’s health would do if pushed to the limit.

I understand your need for better eating opportunities, Mr./Mrs./Miss Burglar, but seriously, all you had to do was ask us for our bamboo steamer and we would have given it to you readily.  It was unnecessary to inflict 300-dollars in damage to our kitchen door or scare my wife and me witless.  We also have a pizza dough maker we no longer use since giving up pizza, and our sushi roller kit is as good as yours.  Just ask next time, and forego the burglary.  The hot cup of green herbal tea will be on us, too.

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