After seven decades of pondering, agonizing, spending sleepless nights tossing and turning in my flaming bed in Hell over why I lost the war, I now have a definitive answer. It was right under my cropped–moustached nose the entire time. How could I not have seen it all those years ago? Damn it!
Last week your Führer, Barack Obama, and his administration decided via a federal commission that there was “no compelling medical reason” to exclude “trannies” (transsexuals; men with breasts and fancy themselves as women, or women with penises who fancy themselves men, or anyone with cross-gender identification issues) from your military.
“We determined not only that there is no compelling medical reason for the ban, but also that the ban itself is an expensive, damaging and unfair barrier to health care access for the approximately 15,450 transgender personnel who serve currently in the active, Guard and reserve components,” said your commission, led by Dr. Joycelyn Elders, your former Führer, Bill Klinton’s Surgeon General last Thursday. Undoubtedly this will open the floodgates for more of your society’s dispossessed to enter a world where personal opinions and lifestyles must be put aside (not that throngs of trannies will be storming your military recruitment offices anytime soon).
Of all the reasons I thought I lost the war, the real reason never occurred to me until now. Breaking international treaties; going to war without assured materials and troops for the long haul; waging war on two fronts; going to war against Russia, with its endless military industrial capabilities and troops to spare; discounting all of my generals’ warnings that we had “bitten off too much than we could chew”, and loading trains that could carry my soldiers to fight on the fronts to instead carry Jews, Gypsies, political opponents and countless others to their deaths…? Nah! None of those reasons were why I now know I lost the war. It was the rejection of trannies that did me in!
Trannies, damn it! If only I had allowed trannies into my military then you yanks would be reading this in German (if reading it at all). …Trannies! How couldn’t I have guessed?!
I have admired over the last 20 years as you Americans have toyed with your military, the mightiest and most formidable on the planet, the same force that defeated me and what I thought was my mightiest army on the planet, into a total social playground, outwardly more interested in reflecting your culture’s “evolving” norms and abnormalities than it has been in doing what any rational military force is meant to do: cultivate complete uniformity, selflessness, unshakable adherence to authority, belief in duty and undying love of country, developing physical strength, grueling endurance, death-defying bravery, unbreakable comradeship, sacrifice, and the ability to put all and any personal proclivities or behaviors out of mind in order to become part of a steel-hard, stealthy mass of defenders and fighters, having their personal beliefs and lifestyles disappear in the face of national honor and its strictest codes of uniformed conduct.
Nevertheless, despite your best efforts to turn a great military from one that overran my Europe and won nearly every battle it has faced afterwards into some endless pool party at Larry Flynt's mansion, yours is still the most imposing force in the world. Amazing! No other country is willing to take you on, and even I would be crazy to take you guys on today if I were alive and still rockin' it in Europe. And the reason: TRANNIES!
Oh, my pagan gods, if I only had allowed trannies into the Wehrmacht I would have won! I could have had it all –England, Western and Eastern Europe, Russia, and who knows what else. Shemales could have saved me, damn it, if I had not been so prejudiced!
Just think about it: there I was, in my East Prussian “Wolf’s Layer”, disputing the configurations and troop movements my generals were telling me were devouring my eastern front in the summer of 1943, and if only some senior tranny officer would have come up and said, “Uhh, exthooze me, Mr. Führer, sir, but you know, like, hell-ooooo..? We can push back these Russians with the troops we still have sitting idly in already allied counties. Like, hollaaaaa, my Führer, sweetie? We can move our troops from Hungary, Romania and Lithuania to fight in the East. Like, duh!” …And I would have listened! …“Like, yo, Hitler, Fur-lord-whatever-guy, maybe we should forget about Italy and Greece. Hell-ooooo?! Hollaaaa!” …I would have listened! Who else is more cautious than a tranny for God’s sake?! Man, I was so dumb!
After France was subdued and I began planning to attack Russia, all I needed was a tranny colonel or general to rub my back and be like, “Oh, Hitler, ya’ big ol’ silly! Don’t be a flooty. You can’t take on Russia and England and America at the same time. Chill, honey, ya’ big ol’ cuddly genocidal maniac, you!” …And I would have listened! Who else can “see both sides of the same coin” better than trannies?
What about my generals? All it would have taken when we were 50 miles outside Stalingrad would have been some chick with a penis or a painted-up guy with tits to tap General von Pauluson the shoulder and be like, “Umm, hell-ooooo, General, I’m sorry to be the ‘Pat-Robertson-in-the-orgy’ here, but I’ve heard Stalingrad is, like, pretty dangerouthhh… I got a bad feeling about thith, thir!” ….And no doubt von Paulus would have listened! Who better to trust your army in than trannies with their documented disproportionate afflictions of numerous psychological issues, including depression, bi-polar disorder, and substance abuse (the name “Bradley Manning” ring any bells? Yeah, what a gem of fidelity and mental stability he was).
And how would my legacy be now if I had had a horde of tranny SS officers around me in the 30s be all like, “Umm, Mr. Hitler, thir, maybe instead of persecuting and killing the Jews you should, umm, like, let them to help you develop weapons and other technologies. You could take over the world, ya’ big ol’ pouty-puss, if you didn’t kill your country’s most intelligent people, Jews aside, thir.” ...Yes, my legacy would have been much more positive I think if I had only Himmler and Goering been trannies. Damn it, why couldn’t Himmler have had some collagen injections in his lips and a nice huge set of fake tits?! Why couldn’t Rommel have done that whole Silence-of-the-Lambs-Buffalo-Bill-dancing-naked-scene-thing? Shit!
Trannies, man! Trannies! I’m telling you all, America —trannies in the military are the key to your success. Your current Füh…I’m sorry, I mean “President”, has fired; “decapitated” so many of your top commanders (kind of like Stalin in the day), has erased Bill Klinton’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, paved the way for women (and not just those that make your military’s “cut”) to serve in the front lines, extended federal benefits to partners of same-sex personnel serving, has made any “religious head gear” acceptable among your supposed throngs of “uniformed” soldiers (you do know what “uniformed” means, right?), and now has paved the way for trannies to serve in positions of extreme, sometimes life or death importance. Great! If only I had known better. If only I had allowed trannies into my military, I could have won. Wow! What a revelation to have now, 69 years later, roasting in Hell.
Trannies, America, I’m telling ya’ –you’re on to something big with this, something bigger than I ever could have guessed. Too bad we murdered all the trannies we could find in my time. SHIT! Trannies in the military –who couldn’t have guessed that is the answer to any armed forces’ success? I’m so sorry. Of all my monstrous deeds, I now see clearly: the trannies I persecuted would have won me the war. Trannies = victory, America. You keep that in mind while the rest of the world continues to plot against you. Fear not Russia, fear not China, Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, North Korea, China, Islamic jihadists, or whomever. Fear nothing, dear America –you’ve now got trannies on your side now. Cheers!
Former Austro–German politician, inconsequential historical figure
Serious Note: Duh Progressive prides itself on its envelope–pushing and quirkiness. However, given the “author” of this commentary and what he says, we believe that for this particular article we should remind our newer readers that this piece in no way lauds Adolf Hitler, or implies that transsexuals be murdered (unless they’re sitting next to you at the bar whining endlessly about their botched 70-dollar haircut that’s ruined their lives for the next 10 years. Yes, in that case murder is acceptable). We write this now because there are people out there truly dumb enough to believe that we/this site supports Adolf Hitler or supports the persecution of transsexuals, whom we do not understand or ever will. We are not into the “understanding business”, but we are into the “you shouldn’t be tortured just because we don’t understand you” business. Thank you.