My Fellow Americans,
I'm throwing in the towel! I have had enough. ...No, I'm not resigning from office, and will run again as long as my health allows me to. But "my health" is mainly why I'm writing to you today.
Anyone who pays attention to politics in this country knows of all the ludicrous, outlandish, false, nonsensical, incoherent, and, for lack of better terms, down-right jackassical statements I make on a nearly daily basis. My biggest and most controversial belch of verbal feces yet being that 'civilization itself would be in jeopardy' if Republicans win the Senate in November. That's my best (i.e. worst) work yet. Before that we all know my career as a lawyer, congresswoman, House Speaker, Minority Leader...indeed, my very pathetic existence has been pockmarked by one haphazard
vibration of my vocal cords after another, resulting in the spewing of every logic-defying accusation, theory, statement, opinion, and diatribe known in American poli-social dialogue to date. And I so I feverishly ask, dear God: when is it going to stop?!
I gotta admit, America: somebody please help me, for I cannot control myself; my cursed, limping, demented excuse for an intellect being totally outside my ability to grasp, let alone control. Everything from "We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it", to "Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs,” to “Unemployment benefits are creating jobs faster than practically any other program”, to “We are all Americans -- north and south in this hemisphere,” to “We cannot have deportation without representation,” to “They bought them the gavel, didn't they? They should not be able use that gavel to clobber the economy over the head,” to “I don’t think [Obama's] ever done anything for political reasons” and countless more, oh, so countless!! ....They never end! I can't stop it, nor has any therapist or psychiatrist I have ever seen or medication I've been on able to...to stop me!
Facts are facts: I'm a raging, Godzilla-sized moron; a spiteful, fuming, should-be asylum patient of planetary proportions trapped in the body of a tiny 74-year-old-woman, and I'm pleading to be stopped.
So I ask you, my fellow Americans: what is it going to take for one of you to finally do what needs to be done and punch me as hard as you can directly in the throat (rendering mute forever)?! Jesus, what else do I have to say; what further ground‒breaking examples of blatantly ignorant, unparalleled stupidity do I have to espouse to get one of you to do what should have been done decades ago and simply run up and destroy my vocal cords with one, solid, pristinely‒aimed blow?! Man, you all have such a high "idiocy tolerance"! I don't understand it. And it doesn't necessarily have to be your fist; you could use y...your... wait, WAIT... "We need free abortions for all pet hamsters, but Republicans hate hamsters, so that'll never happen!"
DAMN IT! See? That's what I mean —that free-abortion-for-hamsters burp above? ...I didn't really mean that, but it just came out! Lord, I need to be stopped!
Anyway, as I was saying (which is the whole problem), you don't have to use your fists, necessarily. If you are a martial arts expert, then a swift karaoke chop to the throat will do. Or you could use a thin, heavy object like a crowbar, or wrench, or that strange thing my chauffer used once to change a flat tire on my limo. Yes, it doesn't just have to be your fists, just so long as the job is done, and I am rendered mute forever, saving the nation from whatever madness I may publically puke out next...
"Republicans hate abortion so much because they love the taste of baby flesh!"
SHIT! See? There I go again! Please, will someone punch me in the throat?! P-L-E-A-S-E? Make it end, please?! Save me from my own outer-worldly idiocy! Come on, my fellow Americans ("I hate you!"), isn't there one of you out there who's willing to punch me in the throat and end this endless conga line of mutant statements of seeming senility that really ain't?
Look, I've lowered my Secret Service protection. Instead of being surrounded by 30 agents, I'm now only surrounded by 20. Surely someone, some American who's just had enough of all my bullshit can make it through them and...hey, you can pretend you're begging for my autograph or wanting to shake my hand or something! Yeah, that should do it..! How about fake press passes? ... "Leader Pelosi, I'm So-In-So from Such-In-Such. Can I get your opinion on..." and WHAM! Just think about it —the national torture that is my ceaselessly rambling, mindless mouth will be over! Fake press credentials, people, that could be your best ticket.
Just one good punch to the throat, America. My God, what else do I have to say? What insane policies to I have to advocate for to get this divine job done? Whoever does this, you'll be a national hero. ...Oh yes, you'll immediately be arrested and charged with assaulting a public official, and a federal one at that, and probably spend years in prison. That's the downside. But just think: YOU will be a hero, even if the federal judge presiding over you thinks you're not. Hell, who knows, maybe even he or she will deem you a national hero, too, and just give you probation! I'll even vouch for you (having to do so in writing, of course, if you get "the job" done). And when you get out of prison you'll be signing autographs, be let in free at night clubs, get women (or men), get a book deal, set up your own donation fund. It'll be great. Think about it!
So yeah, prison aside ("All poor, diseased people in the world who hate America are welcome here!"), won't it be worth punching me in the throat to shut me up, once and for all? Even if the blow doesn't work, and my vocal cords are still operational, I may just pretend they're not...crap, that's the point: I CAN'T pretend!
So please, I've said so many mind-blowing inanities throughout my career that I've been unable to stop or keep myself from retracting or apologizing for that I am running out of hateful, stupid, absurd things to say that will make someone finally lose control of their senses and punch me in the throat. Hence my finally asking. I'm asking...no, begging you, fellow Americans ("Imperialist, heartless dogs, all of you!") to please do what needs to be done, for the good of yourselves, me, and especially this country; perhaps the best thing I've ever advocated for America.
Please, America, I'm at my wits' end here. Thus I ask: won't someone out there please punch me in the throat? What more jackassical things must I say to get you to do so?! Thank you and God Curse America!
House Minority Leader,
Sufferer of Herself As Much As the Rest of Us