Like the rest of America, I grieve for the lives lost in Tucson on January 8, and desperately want to prevent further acts of violence by politically inspired assassins. This is why I am calling on us to tone down our increasingly hateful rhetoric and come to a more peaceful, respectable consensus in how we debate our diverse points of view.
There are several ways to begin reuniting as a nation and treating each other with the respect to which we have grown accustomed. One of these methods of bridge-building stands above others, though. It deals with the most dangerous and divisive force our nation has ever faced —a tough solution for our toughest problem.
We must realize that the only way to resolve our differences and restore civility is to have Sarah Palin slowly disemboweled with a giant pork roast skewer and condemned to the deepest depths of the flaming, everlasting Hades in which she belongs. Respectfully and civilly, this is the most important thing we must do.
With the surge of the Tea Party and its unhinged invective over the last three years, certain figures have emerged as champions of reactionary hatred in America. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Tammy Bruce and Laura Ingraham squawk hours every day, unabashed, unchallenged, freely spewing their bigotry, leaving nothing separating America from Nazi Germany except our casual bedrock freedom to not listen to them whenever we choose.
But then there is former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Palin may enjoy coming across as some apparent queen of a reborn, white bread, frontier American hokiness; a walking, one-woman Ozzie and Harriet 2.0. But when Palin’s PAC website shows crosshairs (yes, a line overlapping another line) over contested Democrat congressional districts and she says “Don’t retreat, reload” while reloading a shotgun on her cable TV show, that’s when the pedal hits the metal and political “discourse” becomes a roadmap to Armageddon.
So in order to restore our time-honored American political civility; our culture of mutual respect; of respect from the current ravages of Rightist animosity, there is nothing more we must humble ourselves to than to putting Sarah Palin on trial for treason, convicting her, and then slowly extracting her entire digestive tract out on national television, all while burning her at the stake, then covering her in pancake syrup and nailing her to a swarming anthill, all before finally banishing her to the eternally torturous Hell she and all her depraved followers deserve (but not before being forced to watch an episode of MTV’s new “Skins” show).
It is an unfortunate conundrum, I know; having to display a former governor and VP candidate’s lower organs on national television before finally turning her into a smoldering heap of ashes and scattering them to the farthest corners of the earth in order to achieve civility. But I am afraid that oral and symbolic treachery like Palin’s cannot be addressed in a more appropriately measured, level-headed manner.
And yeah, while we’re at it, we may as well throw her family in there, too. Todd Palin has done nothing but stand by his wife this whole time she has been dragging our nation towards apocalypse, and her kids are only going to grow up to be what? Big Palins. Plus with her youngest child having Downs Syndrome, he’s already more than cut out for a career in politics. So it’s not just Sarah that must be extinguished in a manner like something out of an LSD-induced nightmare of Count Dracula’s, but the whole Palin family. Only after that can we regain our sense of civility.
America, we can come back to the golden table of calm, collected talk, carefully contemplated rhetoric and sensible solutions for our problems. However such a restoration of mutual respect is not possible if we continue to shirk from what must be done. Certain agitators in our culture must be dealt with appropriately, and Sarah Palin must be destroyed in the aforementioned fashions, with a possible Fargo-style wood chipper scenario in the mix as well (time and adequate blood retention permitting).
So thank you for allowing me this time to talk some sense and layout some pensive, sound solutions to our current climate of vitriol. America can once again be the bastion of conflict-free politics it was, and again earn a seat at the table of respectful and peace-loving nations. Thank You.